Grace Under Pressure
by Sorrel
Summary: Lex finally gets the truth, but decides that he doesn’t care, so Clark gives him a taste of what it’s like to be him. Futurefic. ClarkLex SLASH.


**Grace Under Pressure.

* * *

**

_Grace under pressure  
Cooling palm across my brow  
Eyes of an angel  
Lay me down  
We still believe in love so fuck you_.

Grace Under Pressure – Elbow

* * *

"You don't know what my life is like."

"Nor do I want to," came the snarled reply. "Am I supposed to care? Because I really don't."

"You used to."

"That was before you _lied_ to me."

"And there were reasons for that," Clark said. "Still are, but I told you anyway, didn't I?"

"And I _don't care,_" Lex said. "This is real life, and there are no second chances."

"Funny how you forgot that every time you asked me for one when you fucked up my life," Clark said, and even the cursing wasn't a surprise. Clark was in his senior year of college and had always been older than his years, especially since the missing summer Lex hadn't been there for but had heard about.

"It's not the same thing."

"It's exactly the same thing," Clark said. "In fact, you're not even the wronged party here. I didn't tell you till today because I was trying to protect my life. You almost got me killed more than once just because you were curious, and I always forgave you. How is this different?"

Put like that, Lex really couldn't argue. He had a remarkable talent for denial, and he'd managed to completely forget the incidents that Clark was referring to, but it's hard to continue to forget them when someone actually brings them up. And once he did remember… Well, he really had done a lot of damage to Clark, unwittingly, over the years. He was going to have to apologize for that. Later.

"Alright," he conceded grudgingly. "You had reasons. I'll even concede that they were good reasons. But that doesn't exactly make this news any easier to accept."

Frustration was stamped on Clark's pretty face, and the beginnings of a slow but absolutely dangerous anger that Lex rarely saw. Irritation, certainly, but anger… No. Clark kept his temper firmly in check, and as Lex watched it start to slip its leash, he suddenly remembered why.

Clark had always been fucking scary when he was pissed, and that was before he'd known for sure about the powers.

"Accept this, then," Clark said, and kissed him.

Lex made a startled noise and pulled away. He and Clark stood there, staring at each other, until Clark made a derisive noise.

"You don't know _anything about me._"

And yeah, obviously that was true, but… The shock from the kiss wore off enough for Lex's acidic tongue to say, completely outside of his control, "You haven't exactly been forthcoming about yourself."

A mistake, he could see as soon as he said the words, because just as he winced Clark made an infuriated noise and spun away from him. He wanted to take it back, but Clark was standing with his back to Lex, staring out at the city through the wide penthouse window. The view was spectacular, but Lex knew without looking that Clark's eyes were blind with anger. He could see Clark's profile, jaw clenched till the strained muscles were visible even to Lex, standing ten feet away.

He realized that he was pushing far, far too hard, and that he had no right, but he didn't know how to fix things now.

Thankfully, Clark was a better person than he was, because as Lex watched him he took a deep, calming breath, and on the exhale Lex saw the outstanding muscle in his jaw relax.

"Come here," Clark said, not looking at him but holding out a beckoning hand. Lex hesitated and cast a wary eye at Clark, seeing the temper once again in check but still worried. What was Clark up to?

"Why?" he said warily, and Clark sighed and rolled his eyes, twitching the fingers of the outstretched hand impatiently.

"I'm going to show you something," he said. "Come _here_."

And because it was Clark, Lex's legs started moving of their own accord, till he was standing just outside of Clark's reach. Clark sighed again and leaned toward him just far enough to snag one wrist in an iron grip and dragged him closer.

Lex found himself standing in front of Clark with two brawny arms wrapped around him, and remembering the kiss just minutes before, he wasn't sure if he wanted to run in terror or relax and give himself over completely to the fey, mercurial, alien creature behind him.

Clark's voice made his decision for him, low and rumbling against his back and in his ear. "Close your eyes," Clark said, and Lex obeyed, helpless to fight, helpless in the grip, both physical and metaphorical, of a person so much stronger than he was, in all the ways that counted.

"Imagine living your life in complete and absolute fear," Clark said in that same low rumble. "You're not human. What do you think people will do to you if they find out? The labs will be the worst of it, sure, but think of how people will look at you. Yesterday they loved you, and today they think you're a monster.

"So you lie," Clark continued. "You lie everyday, to everyone around you and sometimes to yourself. You tell yourself that you're really not that weird, you're actually mostly normal, you've just got a little extra, and, oh yeah, you're an alien. Minor details, right?

"And the meteor shower that brought you to earth, well, all these rocks have an interesting effect on the people of your hometown. People you love, people you care about and feel a part of, and they change because of these rocks. They become monsters, and it's your job to stop them.

"It's your responsibility, because it's your fault they're like this. How can you refuse to stop them when you have all this strength, and it's your fault that they're like this? The responsibility is like a weight on your shoulders. So you do your duty, and all the time you hide, and you lie, and you smile and pretend that there's nothing different about you, act so stupid so that suspicious glances just slide right off. You're just a common farm kid. You can't do anything special. Really.

"Then you get older. You move to Metropolis and see that there's a world beyond Smallville. Here there aren't any mutants, but there's even more death and pain. And maybe that's not your fault, but you're still stronger. So shouldn't you help people? Since you can?

"And you do. And you still have to lie and hide, behind a costume this time. And it kills something inside of you, but you know that if you reveal the truth about yourself, you can't help anyone anymore, and you know that that's what you're supposed to do. It's your destiny."

Clark paused, and then said, "Open your eyes, Lex."

Lex obeyed, and the shine of all the bright lights of Metropolis dazzled his eyes after the long minutes of darkness, absorbed in Clark's narrative. "Look at the city. Look at the lights. Imagine that every single light is a person. Then imagine that each person depends on you. You are what lies between them and death, pain, corruption, disaster.

"You are Atlas, and the world is on your shoulders in a very real way. But you can't bow under the weight, because they're all depending on you.

"That's what my life is like, Lex. Still not caring? Wouldn't you care if I told you that you are the only good thing I have, or would you laugh in my face and push me away?"

Lex closed his eyes again, the city lights suddenly too bright. "Clark…" he said, his voice slightly hoarse, and then realized that he had no words. That there were no words to express what he wanted, so he turned and blindly tilted his head back and stretched upwards until his lips crashed against Clark's.

Clark made a throaty sound and pulled him closer, mouth opening against his with urgency and something like desperation. Lex tasted all of Clark's fears in that kiss, and it made him cling tighter, his arms creeping around Clark's waist and holding him tightly enough that a human would have had trouble breathing.

But not Clark.

"I'm so sorry," Lex whispered into his mouth. "I'm so sorry, I didn't know, I didn't understand, I never would have if I'd only understood…"

What he was saying he wouldn't have done, he wasn't sure. He wasn't entirely aware of what he was saying, much less what he really meant, but he thought that Clark understood him anyway.

Clark always had.

"I know," Clark whispered back, between lighting-fast kisses that made Lex burn. "I know. That's why I told you. So that you could understand."

"Thank you for trusting me," Lex said, like he should have when Clark told him. He should have been thankful, and happy, instead of lashing out with anger. Anger bred from too many years of smiling deceit, and Lex really was as much to blame for that as Clark was. Maybe more. He hadn't exactly made himself worthy of trust, had he?

That was going to change.

Clark pulled back a little so that he could smile down at Lex. In the faint background light of Metropolis, glowing through the picture window, Clark's eyes looked darker than ever, more black than green, filled with the passion and peace of an angel. Clark had angel eyes, always had, and Lex thought that he could look at him forever.

Clark brought up one hand and brushed his fingertips against Lex's cheek, like a blind man reading messages written in Braille on his skin. Lex hoped that Clark could read the love he felt, and from the way that Clark was smiling, he thought that maybe he could.

The motion threw him back into memory, though. Nine years old- still just a kid, and almost comatose, drowning in the very recent memory of hellfire coming down from the sky to swallow him. An angel child, smiling at him just like Clark, reaching out to trace a line from brown to chin, and Lex had fallen into a sweet, dreamless sleep.

All of Lex's blatherings about them having a destiny together true after all, and Lex had never been so happy to understand his direction in life. He was not meant to be the greater Luthor, not meant to rule the world. He was supposed to be with Clark, and nothing else mattered.

Nothing else but this, leaning his cheek into Clark's broad, callused palm, and the feel of Clark literally sweeping him off his feet and carrying out of the room as if he weighed no more than a feather. Lex blinked when he saw that Clark had taken him into the bedroom, and he looked at Clark with questioning eyes. Were they really going to do this?

Clark just took their shoes off, though and then pulled Lex under the covers with him fully dressed. They shifted for a second, and then Lex found himself wrapped up in Clark's arm, his head resting on Clark's chest, feeling the reassuring thump of Clark's steady and familiar heartbeat.

"I love you," Clark whispered in the dark, and Lex hid his smile into the hollow of Clark's throat.

"I love you too," Lex said, his words muffled. That didn't matter, though.

He knew that Clark heard him anyway.


End file.
